Good things come to those who wait...

I am feeling very alone today. There are some days I wake up and it is all fine and good that I don't have a husband and then there are days like today. I want so badly to have someone love me. I know I have my children and that is great but sometimes not enough. I feel alittle selfish for saying that. I want to have that someone who just calls in the day to let me know they are thinking about me and can't wait to see me at the end of the day. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for my children. They are my life. I just would like to feel that different kind of love you feel from your partner. I want to have someone to share my good days and my bad days with. Someone to tell the funny things I might hear in the day. Someone to love and enjoy my children as much as I do. I am not a very patient person. I am one of those I want what I want and I want it NOW!!!! I am always being told everything happens for a reason and good things come to those who wait. So that leaves me here alone and waiting. I become a little more patient everyday.

My Story continued...

In mine and Chris's life together we went through alot of trials but I knew we would be just fine. I believed in him and us. I have struggled with depression for years but in 2007 I went through a major depression. I didn't want to leave our house. I stayed home or should I say in bed all day. It worked out that Chris was able to take our 4 children to school before work so all I had to do is make it out of bed to pick them up. Sounds like an easy thing to do but for me it wasn't. I had major anxiety attacks every time I would even get near the front door to leave. There were times I had to call Chris at work just to talk me out of the house. I would pick up our children and go straight home. I didn't really talk to anyone and when we got home I went back to my room and got in bed. The kids would come to my room to get help with home work. I would fix dinner before Chris came home and then as soon as I had served him and the kids dinner I would go back to my room. He was very supportive to me. After some time he convienced me to go to the doctor and get some medication. I did and after some time I started to feel better.

On July18, 2007 we celebrated our 4th anniversary. For our anniversary we moved into a house in Rogue River. It was awesome. We had a large yard for the kids. We had a garage and a shop for Chris. We couldn't of asked for more. We had finally made it to were we weren't getting housing assistance. It was a major step. Chris had a good job and I was able to stay home and work around the house.

Then the day came that changed my life forever. Chris said he wanted to seperate. That he needed space. My perfect litlle family was about to be no more. It came out of nowhere. Just hearing those works took my breath away. How could this be? After everything our family had been through and now he wants space.

It has been over a year now and we are still seperated. All my hopes and dreams were shattered when Chris took my family away. He killed apart of me. I have filed for divorce and am hoping as time passes I will heal and find myself whole again. I am trying to make a good life for my 2 beautiful children.

My story...





For as long as I can remember ALL I ever wanted to be was a mom and a wife. When I was 24 I met the man of my dreams. Although he was 6 years younger than me and my family was very unsure I knew I would marry him. We were together for 8 months and I got pregnant with our daughter. When I was 3 months pregnant he moved to Sacramento. We talked almost every day. I went to visit as often as I could but when I was 5 months pregnant the doctor said I couldn't travel that far anymore. Although I missed him like crazy I knew we would be together after our daughter was born. When I was 8 months pregnant he broke up with me out of nowhere. I was crushed. There I was left to be a single mom. On May 28th 1998 after 18 long hours of labor I had the most beautiful baby girl. Her name is Rebecca Nicole.

In the next year I heard very little from her father. I got it in my head I was going to make him be a dad. So when she was 7 months old I transfered my job and moved to Sacramento and lived with her father and his parents. After about 1 1/2 months with very little help from her father and limited hours at work I decided to move back home where I had the support of my family.

I moved in with my older brother, his wife and son. It was nice living with my brothers family because his wife and I were close and our children are only months apart. After a few months of living with them Rebecca and I moved into out own place. It was very exciting to me but scary at the same time. For the first time we were completely on our own.

Right after Rebecca had her first birthday I found out I was pregnant with her brother. Yes it is so very true it only takes 1 time. I stayed with my sons father because I didn't want both of my children to be without there fathers. After a great pregnancy and only 3 hours of labor on Feb. 24, 2000 I had my son Brendan Andrew. His father and I stayed together until a month before he turned 1. We separated due to a difference of opinion on our priorities.

In December of 2000 I was at work on my day off. I had my children with me as I was putting things in my employees stalkings. I worked for K Mart and was a supervisor. I don't know what made me do it but I stopped what I was doing and I turned around to see my daughters father standing right there. I became weak in the knees. I couldn't believe he was standing there. I had always knew in my heart that someday he would come back to me but this was a very big surprise. We left to go talk and ended up spending the whole day together. I was so happy that he was there. I learned in our talking that he had also had more children. He had twins that same year. He was currently with his twins mother but had told me that things weren't good with them and he wanted his family back. This made me so happy that he finally wanted to be a father to his daughter. We planned for me to make a trip to visit him in Feb. I got my tax return and on Brendan's 1st birthday we went to Sacramento. We spent an amazing 10 days with Chris. But due to the fact that he was still with the mother of his twins we didn't get back together at that time.

Everyone had always told me if I love him set him free and if he comes back it was meant to be. I tryed living by those words and when I had given up hope that we were meant to be he came back into my life once again March of 2002. My job at K Mart was ending due to the store closing so I made the decision to move me and my children to Sacramento to be with Chris. We were a family. We waited a year and a half and on July 18, 2003 my dream came true. I married the man of my dreams. I had finally become everything I had ever wanted to be.

To be continued...

Restless

I am restless waitng for you...
I see your face when I close my eyes...
I hear your voice in my head but that isn't enough...
I want to touch you and feel your touch...
I want to feel your arms around me and know that you will never let go...
I want to hear you whisper in my ear that you love me...
I want to know that our love is forever...



Just something I wrote when I had some wild poetic moment...

My life...

So I recently have been feeling very overwhelmed with my life. All I want to do is lay in bed and hide from the world. My theory is that if I don't go out in the day there can't possibly be any new disappointment. Well I am here to tell you I was so wrong. It turns out that the rest of the world doesn't stop just cause you are feeling overwhelmed with your life... I am learning I just have to take it one day at a time. I am trying to make the best of each day. It isn't easy. All my life I have heard you need to be strong for this person or that person. And now as a parent I hear you need to be strong for your children. Well that is easy to say but I don't know how to always be strong for everyone. When is someone going to be strong for me? I just came back from spending a little over a week with my brothers amazing family. It was crazy, kids running everywhere. I am not sure we had much quiet unless it was bed time but I loved it. It was just what I needed. I was reminded that my family is there for me when I feel like I can't take it anymore. I want to say Thank you so much to my family...